The Guide to Saying No (Politely!)
Saying “no” is one of the hardest things for people pleasers to do.
Saying “no” is one of the hardest things for people pleasers to do.
Whether it’s family members that you need to take a rain check on, a co-worker that you’re having a hard time with, or just being aware of your own emotional bandwidth, people-pleasing is hard!
When you analyze the most successful people though, they differ and they are able to just say no with assertiveness. They manage their own life and their own tasks on their own terms. They know that saying no is actually a part of self-care.
This guide will teach you how to set boundaries, stop feeling guilty, and take your well-being to the next level.
Why is saying no so hard?
No is one of the hardest words to say—particularly if you’re a people pleaser. It’s easier to just say ‘yes!” rather than say, “hm let me think about it.” Humans are social creatures, after all. While it’s easy to fall into the trap of saying “yes” all the time, this “yes” habit can cause you to take on more than you can handle, leading to stress, anxiety, and resentment.
Saying yes when you really want or need to say no is self-defeating. The reality is. the things we do in order not to feel uncomfortable are actually making us feel worse.
Saying no doesn't have to be as scary as it feels. In fact, once you get used to saying no, it can actually save your relationships with others by letting them know where your boundaries lie, and what's actually important to you.
Saying no is easier than you think
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Saying no is easier than you think 〰️
Never feel guilty about saying no
Guilt over saying no is a common phenomenon, yet the simple fact of the matter is that it's completely unnecessary and counterproductive. There's absolutely nothing wrong with saying no to someone without justification or explanation. It's good for you and your own mental health, your personal relationships, and your career.
It’s also not rude; you're under absolutely no obligation to give a reason why you're turning someone down. You may be hyper aware of hurting someone’s feelings... but there’s just no need to give, even a brief explanation, of why you are saying no. If they ask why (or they push further), be honest if you feel comfortable doing so. Otherwise, just repeat that you’re not interested in doing whatever it is they've requested of you or declined their offer. No one ever has to apologize for declining something that doesn't interest them or benefit them in some way—it happens all the time!
Likewise, there's nothing selfish about saying no to people who aren't important to you; by putting yourself first, especially when it comes to things like your time and energy levels, you can do more things that are important to people who are important to you. While being selfless goes hand-in-hand with being considerate of other people's feelings, being kind also means having consideration for yourself—and saying yes because of guilt is never kind!
Set better boundaries with your time
We're all busy, and we get it—it's easy to pile up commitments because you don't want to let anyone down. But when your calendar is jam-packed with items that aren't your priority, all the good intentions in the world won't keep you from feeling overwhelmed or resentful, or even prevent burnout.
So before you agree to anything else, take a moment to reflect on what your limits are—and how important it will be for others to respect them.
Now think of all the times when you've said yes because:
a) You didn't want to offend someone else by saying no
b) It was easier than explaining why something wasn't a good fit
c) You thought it was expected of you
Reflection question: how would your life be different if you had said no when you wanted to, instead of saying yes because it was expected of you?
Saying no starts with practice
More likely than not, saying no will elicit some sort of discomfort in the receiver of your declination (as well as yourself). It may feel uncomfortable but that doesn’t mean you should let that stop you from doing what needs to be done. Saying no takes time, practice, and courage—so don’t be too hard on yourself if there aren’t immediate results. Building up your “no” muscles just takes time and the more often you do it (and with the right tone), the easier it becomes.
You are allowed to say no
Remember, you don't have to apologize for saying no. Not even to your friends and family, or in work situations. No is a single sentence. The most common way people apologize for saying no is by qualifying their refusal with an excuse, like "I’m sorry I can't go to the movies with you this weekend. I have to run my errands, visit my family, go to the gym, take some personal time…" This deference to politeness serves absolutely no purpose but to convince you that you need a reason for refusing, when in fact you do not. Simply say: "No, thanks." It's all that needs to be said, and it sounds perfectly normal and polite.
If you absolutely want to put some extra effort into being polite about your refusal, there are other options open to you besides apologizing with excuses.
One is the "give-and-take" approach: When someone asks you something, give them another option in place of what they asked for—and make sure this option actually works for you!
For example: if someone asks if they can borrow your bike one day next week, tell them not only that they can't borrow your bike on the day they want but also that they can definitely borrow it some other time instead: "You can't use my bike next Tuesday because I'm using it that day, but how about Thursday?"
Giving people options helps them feel as though their needs are being acknowledged and met at least partially (even though really all you did was make one suggestion!), which makes them more likely to accept your refusal graciously.